My phone wakes me up. it's mom. it's only 7.13 am. I pick up quickly as I'm awake. what a way to wake up though! so brutal as my ringtone is so loud. Mom tells me to get ready so we can go to the hospital.
The hospital. the surgery. my eyes. i remember everything clearly. i have a surgery today. i'm scared. i want to stay in my bed, under my blanket, and listen to music. but... what if i become blind? if i do.. will anyone talk to me? will they forget me? they surely will..who am i to be remembered, or to be taken care of? though, the only person i think that'll not forget me is music. you don't need your eyes to enjoy music thankfully.
this is not an option. to stay in bed. i have to get up. i look to my face in the mirror: if this face has no more eyes, how would it become? that's the first thing that comes to my mind. my eyes are my best feature. what if i lose them? these thoughts wouldn't leave my mind. i decide to try to forget. i download music. i put my headphones on until mom comes, and our trip begins.
music keeps playing. it makes me feel better. i'm trying to forget what's going to happen in an hour, but people on facebook keep reminding me. are they worried? or, they're trying to keep me? none of the messages seem to be real. but, i appreciate the thought. although..my mind can't explain why i'm being like this, i keep acting like it.
we arrive. my doctor comes. she's horrified. she asks me to go straight to the surgery room. she starts doing her job. my eye. it hurts. it hurts a lot. i can't. stop. stop. stop. i scream, i cant stand this pain. it's too much. my doctor asks me to hold on. i can't. this. must. stop. now. i can't take this pain. i scream, but no one seems to listen. no one seems to hear me. i have a little thing in my hand. i press it. i feel like destroying it in pieces. this. has. to. stop. i start thinking about not being able to read, not being able to do photography, not being able to see palestine, or kaaba and elmedina. i raise my courage. open your eyes, Noorjahan. Open them. open them. i shout over and over. stop, please. stop! my head. my head take it off. take it! it's gonna explode! stop what you're doing. you're hurting me. i need my uncle. where is he? where's my grandmom? where are my grandparents?? i need you. i can see them smiling from above. i want to hold their hands one more time. just one. something seems to be pushing me. to keep my eyes open. to keep...suffering. a voice in my heads says: it's nearly done..just a little bit left. stay strong. i try to hold on. to keep them open. i seem to be losing my battle. it's over. i hear my doctor saying. i get away from all these machines. i want to open my eyes. but i can't. i try again, but i can't.
the sunlight hits me. i scream, and fall down. i'm all dizzy. i keep my eyes closed on my way home. the sun is giving me a hard time. i open them after a long time, i look to the sky. my uncle is there smiling. i made it. i can see. i can still see. i hurry up, and check his pic. my grandmom is there with him waving. hey guys, i made it. thank you for the courage you gave me. my mom asks to turn off my music. i shout. i don't even know why i'm shouting. my head. my head is killing me. i apologize quickly. i start singing. i cover my face. the sun is killing me. she asks me to take it off. i shout again. she doesn't know what i'm going through. i've never felt this pain. not even when majd and i fought, or broke up. i decide to shut up and keep my face covered.
i arrive home. i open the AC, and sleep. two hours later, i'm awake. i can see perfectly. i get ready to go to my grandparents' house. I get out of the house. the sun hits me. i fall near the stairs. get a grip, Noorjahan. i torture myself to make my way to the main road, and get a taxi. i reach my grandparents' house. i open the wireless, and sleep.